A Letter To My Eldest Daughter
I had you on a wet miserable winter's day, and have never felt so alone and confused.
Never a day has gone by that I have not thought of you, and wished with all my heart I had been able to raise you.
I can only hope I did the right thing in putting you up for adoption, but of course in those days there was very little choice. Certainly I was not supported in having a choice.
I was only 16, and was hidden away at my Aunts until the baby was due. She never showed me a moment's kindness, I was always treated as a slut who had let the family down. Your father was also 16, and was sent off to military school when he told his parents, who refused to believe their son had any responsibility in the situation. I was the one to blame, and the one to deal with the consequences.
I often wonder what your life has been like - did you do well at school, were you shy like me? Did you keep your dark hair? Are you married with your own family? Are your parents supportive and loving?
I have done everything I can think of to try to find you, and I just hope you want to meet me one day. I know you have your own family, but I hope you have some curiosity about your birth mother. Please never think I abandoned you or did not love you. Though I was a mess at the time, I remember one kind nurse putting you in my arms and letting me hold you for a while until they took you away. She sat with me afterward and held my hand as I cried my heart out.
I went on to have other childen, and found a very kind man who did not judge me for my mistakes. But you will always have the most special place in my heart as my first born.
After my second child was born, I started also celebrating your birthday each year. It didn't seem right to mark the occasion for her without also including you in our family. My kids have always known they have an older half sister, and when they lived at home, we always lit a birthday candle for you. Before I became pregnant with my second (first to my husband) we looked for you and he would have been willing to be your father if it was the best thing for you. But of course we also did not want to destroy you and your family, and just hoped you were happy.
More than anything I just want to know you are happy, and I want you to know I love you.
Your birth Mom