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A Letter To My Eldest Daughter

by Susanna
(Texas)

I had you on a wet miserable winter's day, and have never felt so alone and confused.


Never a day has gone by that I have not thought of you, and wished with all my heart I had been able to raise you.

I can only hope I did the right thing in putting you up for adoption, but of course in those days there was very little choice. Certainly I was not supported in having a choice.

I was only 16, and was hidden away at my Aunts until the baby was due. She never showed me a moment's kindness, I was always treated as a slut who had let the family down. Your father was also 16, and was sent off to military school when he told his parents, who refused to believe their son had any responsibility in the situation. I was the one to blame, and the one to deal with the consequences.

I often wonder what your life has been like - did you do well at school, were you shy like me? Did you keep your dark hair? Are you married with your own family? Are your parents supportive and loving?

I have done everything I can think of to try to find you, and I just hope you want to meet me one day. I know you have your own family, but I hope you have some curiosity about your birth mother. Please never think I abandoned you or did not love you. Though I was a mess at the time, I remember one kind nurse putting you in my arms and letting me hold you for a while until they took you away. She sat with me afterward and held my hand as I cried my heart out.

I went on to have other childen, and found a very kind man who did not judge me for my mistakes. But you will always have the most special place in my heart as my first born.

After my second child was born, I started also celebrating your birthday each year. It didn't seem right to mark the occasion for her without also including you in our family. My kids have always known they have an older half sister, and when they lived at home, we always lit a birthday candle for you. Before I became pregnant with my second (first to my husband) we looked for you and he would have been willing to be your father if it was the best thing for you. But of course we also did not want to destroy you and your family, and just hoped you were happy.

More than anything I just want to know you are happy, and I want you to know I love you.

Your birth Mom

Comments for A Letter To My Eldest Daughter

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Heartbreaking
by: Annie Desantis

Hi Susanna,

Thank you so much for such a heartfelt letter to your daughter. What a tough time you had as a very young woman. I love how you have held her in your heart and lit a candle for her each year.

I hope she does track you down someday and you have a chance to hold her again, and get some answers to your questions.

Go gently,
Annie D :)

Praying You Find Your Daughter
by: Judith

I have cried buckets reading your letter to your daughter. I just pray you get to meet her one day.

I was adopted into a family who I think of as my parents, and they did a good job raising me, and also adopted another boy. But there is always a gap
not knowing who your birth parents are.

I was fortunate to meet my birth mother 7 years ago, and it was extremely emotional. I have yet to find my birth father, but for me, meeting my birth Mom was more important.

We do keep in touch now, and she comes to important family events. My parents are fine with me seeing her, they know I love them and consider them my parents, but my birth Mom will always hold a special place for me. For a long time I was dismissive, and even angry, but hearing her story and how hard it was for her to give me up, made a huge difference for me.

I hope you find her one day, and I hope you win this competition too!

God bless you,
Judith

There is always hope
by: Ali

Hi Susanna ,
I had A baby girl born 1986 when I was 19, I abandoned the girl and had the thoughts that I could make it and forget her. I was a student and the situation was very complicated with her mother. I left that country and came back to my homeland and started my new life, and I kept no contact with her mother .

Years later I had the pain and thought of her to the point that she was always in my mind and my dreams, I was wondering about her life, her health and her future, study, even wondering about the way she might dress and how she looked.

I felt the guilt and pain all the time and I was always praying to God to forgive me for my mistake. I Married and have got 4 daughters and two sons, but still I always felt that I am missing something in my life.

I started searching for her since late 90's and continued this search almost every week on the net but there seemed to be no way to find her and her mother.

Last April 2012, I found her aunt on Facebook, and I added her as a friend, then she posted on my wall "Do you remember your daughter, do you want to see her?" I immediately went out of my mind and and I cried my eyes out, I FOUND MY BABY! I skyped her the same day and she was so happy to find her lost identity, she was looking for me also all the time because she was always in search of her roots.

I will never forgive myself for what I did, I will make anything possible to correct my mistakes and make it up for her, but I doubt I can't compensate her for the 25 years of abandonment.

I am so proud of her, she was much better person than I expected. I was expecting much more damages in her personality while I was searching for her. I thank God and her mother for the outcome.

I am the happiest man on earth now because I found her, I Love her beyond imagination, I will do anything to make her happy .

For anyone who thinks to do the same mistake, you will never have any joy in your life if you do it.
I am sorry to her and to the whole world for what I did, and I hope God will forgive me.


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