Do Affirmations Work?

In many cases affirmations don't work - most people don't know how to design and use them effectively! We'll look at how to create powerful affirmations, that are a lot more than just positive thinking. My uncle used to call them positive lies, and of course for him they didn't work!

Firstly, a lot of people don't know how to word them correctly. Like our thoughts, most people are framing them in the negative, saying what they want to get rid of. For example: I want to loose 10 pounds.

For an affirmation to be powerful, it needs to be stated as positively present. By that I mean, it must worded as a statement of exactly what you do want, as if you already had it.

For more advanced techniques for working with Affirmations, read this article: Empowering Positive Affirmations

Ineffective Affirmations:

Here are some examples of ineffectively worded affirmations, and below, a more effective one:

Ineffective:
I'm not going to yell at my kids all the time.

Guess what - you are continuing to tell the story, I yell at my kids.

Better:
I can discipline my kids without yelling

Still focusing on yelling!

More Powerful:

• I talk to my kids positively.
• My kids co-operate with my requests.
• It is easy for me to influence my kids positively.
• I can discipline my children with love and respect.
• I love and respect myself.

You'll notice the affirmations moved from being about the kids, to being about me! We think as parents that our job is to change and shape our kids. Of course we have a major impact on our children, but they are also here to teach you.

In the example above Julie often felt out of control with her children. She didn't feel they respected her unless she screamed at them and even that was becoming more and more ineffective. She came to me when she had escalated to hitting her children and said yelling at them doesn't work anymore. She hated that she was loosing control and felt overwhelmed with guilt.

Of course Julie had several issues to focus on, and we used several different techniques, but affirmations were one of the tools that identified the core issue, which was really nothing to do with her kids, other than they highlighted it for her.

Underneath the yelling, was a lack of respect and love for herself. She felt that if she didn't control her children then she was showing she was a bad mother, and of course, what was she getting? Out of control children, who didn't show her respect!

We worked to uncover where the beliefs came from, and Julie used affirmations to help her focus on herself and her behaviour with her children, rather than focusing on trying to change her children.

We also set up some family processess to increase the positive interactions with her children, but the important shift for Julie was treating herself with love and respect, and that is where affirmations can be an excellent tool to shift the energy. Within weeks she noticed a huge difference in her children's attitude to her - and her husband commented she was much easier to be around!

Ineffective:
I'm going to try not to nag at my kids to pick up their toys.

Firstly, trying implies failure! It suggests that you can't do something. Also, in this example the focus is still on nagging.

Better:
I ask the kids nicely to do what I want.

MMMMM, you may already be doing that before you started nagging! So will it work? It depends what you are trying to do. Often the power behind the affirmation process, is not just about positive thinking, it is a process of uncovering what is underneath your initial desire. Are you really wanting to change yourself or are you wanting to change the kids, your spouse, your boss? You may get a change from others when you change your behaviour and responses, but if you are doing the affirmation to make the kids pick up after themselves without you nagging, then it won't work!

More Powerful:

• I have lots of happy fun interactions with my kids!

Nothing to do with nagging, nothing to do with what you don't want, toys or clothes on the floor - but instead the focus is on building higher vibrations in your family.

Unpacking Belief Systems

Affirmations are more powerful when used as a tool to uncover what is underneath all the stories we tell ourselves.

Try this exercise:
Get a notepad or exercise book and divide the page into two columns. On one side, write your affirmation, and then on the other side write your response. Try to write as quickly as possible to allow the unconscious thoughts come to the surface.

You will start to uncover your belief system, and then affirmations about those will be the most powerful to use.

I'll give you an example of Rhonda, a client of mine who had difficulty showing affection to her three year old son. She thought she SHOULD be able to, she did love him, but just found it hard to cuddle and demonstrate her love. (We'll look at SHOULDS in another article!)

Among other processess, we worked with the affirmation:

I enjoy cuddling my son. (just a simple statement of what she wanted)

She wrote it down with responses alongside about 20 times, mostly the response was along the lines of, I don't like cuddling him, I wish I did, I'm a terrible mother, other Mom's show their children affection etc.

Eventually she got to a response, I'm scared to show him how much I love him. Along with copious tears it came out that she believed if she let herself love him and show it, he would die or leave her.

At the age of three (same age her son was now!) her beloved grandfather died unexpectedly and her mother was so distracted with her own grief, Rhonda was sent outside a lot to play by herself. She associated loving someone with loss, grief and fear of being alone.

So it was far more powerful for Rhonda to use a series of affirmations to attend to the underlying belief:

• I am always surrounded with love.
• It is safe for me show how deeply I love.
• The more I love the more I am loved.

NB: Rhonda now has a wonderful warm cuddly relationship with her little boy and has since had three more children!

So, to Summarize, Affirmations:

• Need to be in the now as if you already have what you want
• Need to framed in positive language, state what you want, not what you don't want.
• Are most powerful when used to uncover underlying beliefs.
• Focus on changing you, not other people: the positive spin off is if you change, people around you have to connect differently to you.

More Resources about Affirmations

Want some extra coaching on using positive affirmations? You can either have a Personal Coaching session with Annie, or use the online Ask Annie coaching. (It doesn't have to be parenting questions)

Louise Hay, was one of my early inspirational teachers. She also has written a lovely book on teaching children to use affirmations.

Affirmations, how to make them more powerful
More advanced techniques for working with Affirmations.

Emotional Freedom Technique and Affirmations

Emotional Freedom Technique is a great tool to use with kids. And using affirmations along with tapping makes them both more powerful and effective! Read our articles on EFT here:
Using EFT for Kids
An overview of using Emotional Freedom Technique with Children.

EFT Tapping Points
Click here to learn more about how to use Emotional Freedom Technique. Diagram with the points, sequences, and some examples of how to use it with children. (Totally applicable for adults too!)

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More Resources for Parents

Negotiating with Teens
Teenage years can be a delight and a challenge for many parents. Heres some ideas on handling some of those tricky times!

Teenage Behavior
This Audio answers questions from readers about communicating with teenagers. You can listen to it here, or my members can download this and many others on our Parent Coaching Membership site.

Disciplining children.
For more ideas on how to discipline a child read my article on disciplining kids and teens.

Do Children Misbehave?
More ideas on handling misbehaving children, and understanding their needs.

Free Parenting Games.
Read about the importance of play and having fun with your kids and get our Free Parenting Games.

Parenting Coach
Interested in having a Parenting Coach to empower you to be the parent you aspire to be?

Find out more about What is Law of Attraction?
An overview of the Law of Attraction.

7 Laws of Attraction
The Law of Attraction, broken down into 7 Mini Laws.

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