Coping With Defiant Children

Sometimes it is just one angry child that seems to run the family, and some kids are certainly far more volatile, or in comparison, more defiant children than the average. Of course comparisons really don't help. The bottom line is having working relationships in families despite different personalities or behaviour.

When kids are out of control, I'm sorry to say, but usually parents are not in control either. Defiant children are running the show, and they are doing it by manipulation and tantrums, and the more power they have in the family, the more disturbed they get.

Parenting is not a walk in the park! With fiesty stroppy kids, it is even harder. Even with the best will in the world, many parents are at their wits end to know how to manage out of control children. Having defiant children is exhausting. You may well have gone down the road of problems at school, psychological assessments, and many of these out of control kids get diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or ADHD. It is sadly becoming more and more common to medicate these angry kids in the attempt to bring some sanity into the household, or classroom.

Unfortunately diagnosis or medication is not a long term solution, it doesn't fix the problem, at best it might mute it a bit and give you a bit of a breather.

Family Dynamics and Defiant Children

So then how can you bring peace into your home? You as the parent needs to make the changes. Preferably both parents, but huge changes can take place when just one parent makes a commitment to learn to react and respond differently. Lets be clear here, I am not saying you are to blame for having defiant children, I know you have probably tried everything you know how, you have absolutely done your best. But nothing much will change until you realise, YOU are the one who can turn it all around if you are willing to learn and grow, and put the work in.

I know you would like me to give you a magic solution (pill?) that will turn your little ratbag into an angel - but I don't know of any I'm sorry. But I do know, your life can be quite different if you are ready to take some steps to make some big changes. And when you bring a different energy into your home, learn some different skills, learn to understand your own reactions, you will start to notice some surprising changes in your children. Hey, you might even remember that you do actually love the little ratbag!

Tips For Coping With Defiant Children

• Firstly, look after yourself. Get some time out regularly - you MUST have activities that replenish you. You can't take back control of your family and life if you are running on empty
• Get some professional help for YOU - not necessarily just for the defiant children
• Be willing to learn. You CAN have a life again, but you might need to learn new ways of parenting, and make some big changes in how you react.
• Taking responsibility (NOT blame) means you get empowered to create the kind of family life you want.
• Remember Defiant Children are not happy children. Try to imagine the world from your child's perspective. It must be a pretty negative unhappy place to live in.

When parents are frazzled and worn out with defiant children or an out of control child - you don't end up parenting effectively. Getting good support and finding ways to take care of yourself go a long way to coping in a difficult situation. When you are feeling good about yourself, you will cope so much better with kids that seem to be bouncing off the walls.

When you feel more relaxed you have something to give. When you are exhausted, angry, resentful and stressed, you have nothing much to give your kids. So parents then over compensate or give into demands and threats. Defiant children have usually worked out if they keep the level of harassment up long enough, you will cave in. And it does seem like the easiest solution sometimes.

So find ways to get positive support for yourself, get breaks, get some exercise, get some treats. Have time with people who offer positive support - but not those who sit around and complain about their kids. You want new positive input that helps you to look on a brighter side.

Change The Family Dynamic

Your child is reacting to everything around him, in fact, they are over-reacting. When a child gets used to being treated as the angry, defiant child, or the problem child at school, it becomes a habit to over-react, or to be threatening or abusive. They rarely smile, unless there has been some kind of victory, they distrust those around them, and are constantly on the defensive. "I'll get you before you get me".

You can go a long way to turning the situation around if you start actively looking for ways they have behaved well. It might be hard sometimes amidst the shouting and defiance, but if you really look hard for ways to appreciate them, in time it will make a difference. The chances are at first defiant children will not be able to take in a compliment. They will have learned to be suspicious, or keep the barriers up, so they will throw it right back at you. Your job is NOT to react back. Simply wait until you find something else you notice they did well (or sometimes even just the fact that they did at all is an achievement!).

Better yet, keep a diary of positive behavior or things you like about your child. Having a record to look at when the going gets tough is a good way of switching focus. We get in the habit of always looking for the worst in these kids, and more often than not they prove us right. Unfortunately you are then contributing to creating more of a monster! So starting to look for ways defiant children do somethings right and you will slowly start to switch the dynamic.

The more you can do this, the quicker you will start to see change. You may find at first defiant children will STOP doing the thing you praised them for. Because they have built such a prickly wall around themselves, they will not want to accept anything nice in under their defences. And they are also used to looking for ammunition to get you first.

Don't buy into the game, simply make a note of the good thing, and continue looking for others, no matter how small it is.

Getting Help

If you change your parenting style, and become more conscious of what role you play in the family drama, you can make a HUGE difference in the life of your child. Children who are angry or abusive children, may get a charge out of having so much power, but these kids are not happy kids. They have a very bleak outlook on life, and don't have a very good vision of themselves in the future.

Parents with difficult children need help and support. If you know of good programs in your area I would really encourage you to get help - not just for your child, but for yourself.

Parent Coach Recommends:

There is a very good online program run by Dr Andrew Gibson that I have evaluated thoroughly. His book, "Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike" is a superb training program for parents who want to learn how to deal with out of control children.

Dr Gibson describes Spike - who is one of those angry defiant children, who is driving his parents crazy. He gives a great overview of the family situation, and then the rest of the book is a very comprehensive 28 step Parents training program, called P.A.C.T (Parenting Angry Children and Teens).

Dr Gibson is very generously offering my readers a free copy of his book, which includes the program, you just have to pay postage.

But most importantly, Dr Gibson offers online coaching with Spike's Club. He is also offering you a month's free trial of Spikes Club, to help you put the 28 steps into practice. Personally I highly recommend you take advantage of the support offered in Spikes club, and continue to pay for it after the free trial month is up.

Parents with defiant children need support. You will have access to other parents who are also going through the program, so you can build support networks with parents who are committed to bring about change in their families. You will have the expert support from Dr Gibson, and this is priceless. He has worked with many many families just like yours, and he knows exactly what you are going through. And he has seen those families turn their lives around and build a loving relationship with their child again.

Spikes Club Gives You:

• First 30 Days FREE Access
• Dr Gibson will arrange to call you (or Skype) to support you and answer any questions
• Access to 2 Webinars each month, teaching and support you to make lasting changes in your family
• Peer Support - having access to other parents just like you is so valuable. Knowing you are not the only parent with an out of control child takes a huge weight off you
• You get a daily email reminder to help you focus on your current goal
• Spikes Club has a weekly newsletter with tips and articles to encourage you
• Articles written by Dr Gibson, and interviews by various experts

To get your free copy of Dr Gibsons book and PACT Program, "Got an Angry Kid?", and your 30 days Free access to Spikes Club, visit the link below.

Get Your Free Copy Here: Got An Angry Child?

Please note, the video on the page may take a while to load - it is telling you about Spikes Club.

Where To From Here?

Ask Annie Parenting Questions
You are welcome to write in and get some more specific ideas or help for your particular situation. Your question and my answer will also help other parents, and become a page here on this site.

Angry Parents
If you find having an angry child means you end up being an angry parent - you might want to visit our Angry Parents Page for some tips.

Discipline
Ideas for discipline and parenting - you may feel your child is way beyond discipline, but you may get some ideas that will be helpful.

Misbehaving Children
This article explores why children misbehave.

Types of Parenting Styles
Our Parenting Styles page links to various in depth articles about your way of parenting. Where do you fit in?