Disciplining Children

I get lots of questions about disciplining children:

• What's the most effective way of disciplin a child?
• Does time-out work to correct my child's behavior?
• Child Discipline: How do I get my kids to do what I want?
• Should I punish my children?
• Discipline a child or let them be free spirits?

I often talk about what are realistic expectations for your child's behavior, and being aware of the language you use when disciplining children. Are you telling them what you want, or is your emphasis on what you don't want. The best child discipline is to put far more energy into reinforcing good behavior rather than contributing your energy to undesirable child behavior.

Teaching children to make amends for undesirable child behavior or help them learn self discipline, rather than using punishments is far more effective as your method for disciplining children. Children act up when they have unmet needs and helping them to learn ways of satisfying those needs without hurting others is an important skill for a child to master. Parents that get angry and yell at their children to make them behave better, are really only teaching them either compliance through fear or that yelling to get what you want is a good idea.

It is far more effective to look at it from your child's point of view. What are they trying to achieve by their bad behavior? And what are you wanting? Finding ways that meet both needs is better than punishment and withdrawal of your approval.

Punishments and child discipline

Many parents ask me about punishments and I get heaps of questions about using time-out to as a method of child discipline. I am not a big fan of time out if it is used as a punishment. Or indeed anything used to punish. Punishment sets you up to have power and control in a way that I believe is counter-productive. It does nothing to teach your child to treat others with respect. Punishment is teaching your child to feel bad, to feel ashamed of their feelings, to believe you only love them when they behave the way you think they should.

However, time-out can be useful for you! If you are going to react with anger - then taking yourself off until you can connect back to the loving. Showing them that they can use time-out themselves as a time to re-group. For example, Do you need some time in the back garden blowing off steam? Or how about we take a break here and find something that makes us all feel better. Many parenting experts teach the use of time-out to be a time of boredom and withdrawing stimulation and fun. My thinking is this is to manipulate them into wanting to comply out of boredom, not because they feel loving or happy or excited to do what you want. It isn't teaching them anything about self-motivation or any better ways to get their needs met. No wonder we grow up with such messy ways of relating.

Interupt harmful Child behavior

Sure if one child is being hurt then you need to intervene quickly, but do it from a loving place - Whoa! I can see you are getting really angry, lets see if we can work this out better. Both children in a conflict are contributing to the dynamic. So helping each child to get what they want, with respect for the other is far more productive. It may mean they do play separately for a while - but not as a punishment for not playing nicely.

I also challenge parents to be aware of what drives you in your wanting your child to behave differently. Are you worrying about what other people think? Are you running on automatic based on old beliefs, such as how your parent's raised you? Whose needs are more valid - yours or your child's? On the whole we tend to think if we have fed and clothed our children then after that our needs are more important.

Children need to be loved for who they are, not how they behave. Their natural instinct is to connect, play, smile, and enjoy themselves. Think of a tiny baby, they just respond to the interaction around them. It is our behavior that teaches them it is not OK to be angry or that we disapprove of their actions.

---

Coaching to help deal with bad behaviour

Throughout the site you'll find tips to inspire or support you in disciplining children with love and respect, and empowering your children to develop their internal guidance and self discipline.

You can also get your questions answered online with our mini-coaching service, Ask Annie.

If you'd like more detailed coaching and indepth support and a like-minded community, I'm really excited that our LOA Parent Coaching Membership site is now up and running.

What do Members get?
We have an incredibly supportive community at LoaParentCoach.com. The coaching, teleseminars and courses are the hub of the training and coaching, but the forum is the centre of our community. Members can also have their own blog and web page so can talk about or promote anything they like.

Some examples of my Parent Coaching Audios that are available free to Members:

Disciplining Children - Why do Children Misbehave?
In this Audio I talk about what children need, and how you can focus on teaching your children to get what they want in positive ways, rather than attracting negative attention through bad behavior.

Negotiation with Teenagers
This Audio focuses on negotiation, resolving conflict, and communicating with teenagers.

Teenage Behavior
This Audio answers questions from readers about communicating with teenagers.

Parenting Law of Attraction Kids
Should I let my kids run wild?
How do I balance what I want without crushing my child's spirit?
Am I setting up negative experiences for my child?
This Audio assists you to create the kind of relationship you want with your children.

The audio library in our membership is growing all the time in response to questions from parents, and recorded coaching calls and tele-seminars. Come and check us out!

---

More Ideas for Disciplining Children

Child Development
One of the keys to understanding child behavior, is understanding what is appropriate for the child's age. Click here for an overview with links to more in depth stages.

Disciplining Children
Do childre really misbehave? For more ideas on how to discipline a child read my article on misbehaving children.

Teenage years can be a delight and a challenge for many parents. Heres some ideas on handling some of those tricky times!
Negotiation with Teenagers

Teenage Behavior
This Audio answers questions from readers about communicating with teenagers. You can listen to it from the page.

---