Funny Parenting Tips

I thought I'd include some funny parenting tips that have amused me over the years. Parenting Humor helps us to look on the brighter side, or at least laugh at ourselves. Laughter is one of the best ways to lift your spirits, physically releasing endorphins, and shifting your attention away from the gremlins!I hope you find this selection of funny parenting tips entertaining!

You can also submit your own funny parenting tips or quotes, or funny kids's quotes and stories here. Read and comment on the funny things our other reader's have sent in.

I've included quotes from Bill Cosby, Erma Bombeck, Phyllis Diller, and a short piece by Brad Phillips. There are also another twenty funny parenting tips or parenting humour by various other authors. (I managed to whittle the list down!)

Please note, I am not endorsing any of these, particularly the recommendation to spank your child every day!

Funny Parenting Tips:
Bill Cosby Quotes

I've always had enormous respect for Bill Cosby, his wisdom for parents and wonderful sense of humour has often lifted my spirits. Here is a few of my favorite funny parenting tips or quotes from Bill Cosby.

• No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids.
• Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
• The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
• Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
• Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Funny Parenting Tips:
Erma Bombeck Quotes

Erma Bombeck's syndicated newspaper column started many a day with a giggle. Her ability to laugh at herself (albeit often on the negative side!) reminds us not to take ourselves so seriously. She passed on in 1996 but leaves a legacy of humour, particularly about being a housewife that is second to none. Heres a tiny selection of some of her funniest parenting tips or witty words of wisdom about the futility of housework!

• Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity.
• I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
• Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
• No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
• One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
• My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
• When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
• In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.

Funny Parenting Tips:
Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Diller is probably best known for her distinctive laugh - or rather cackle! As one of the pioneers of stand up comedy, her comic portrayal of a housewife was full of one liners about children and her husband Fang. I've included a few of her classic quotes, or funny tips for parents.

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
• Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up
• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
  (My sentiments exactly!)

Funny Parenting Tips and Parenting Humour:
Various Authors

• If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, "keep away from children."
  Susan Savannah
• The beauty of spacing children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones - which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.
  Sydney J. Harris
• I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school.
  (sorry I don't know who said this!)
• Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.
  Joey Adams (Please don't take his advice!)
• The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing
  Kin Hubbard
• Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.
  Marilyn Penland.
  (My children still give me a hard time about how my eyebrows think they are helping me to sing!)
• Your children tell you casually years later what it would have killed you with worry to know at the time.
  Mignon McLaughlin
• The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
  Edward, Duke of Windsor
• Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.
  Arnold H. Glasow
• The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
  Quentin Crisp
• A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.
  Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.
  Franklin P. Jones
• Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.
  Karen Savage and Patricia Adams
• Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.
  Ogden Nash
• A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
  Jerry Seinfeld
• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  Groucho Marx
• Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
  Fran Lebowitz
• I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away
  Nancy Mitford
• Don't forget that compared to a grownup person every baby is a genius.
  May Sarton
• Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience... and pimples.
  J.M. Barrie

Funny Parenting Tips by Brad Phillips
Sure-fire Ways To Embarrass Your Children

For the full article by Brad Phillips, and more
funny parenting tips, visit www.parentinghumor.com

• Drop them off directly in front of their school. Make them give you a kiss. Wave good-bye vigorously and blow kisses.
• Hang a naked baby picture of your children in a prominent location in your living room. Be sure to point it out to company. My parents accomplished approximately the same purpose with my third-grade Cub Scout picture.
• Make them dress up in a shirt and tie for school picture day. Style their hair yourself. Use enough gel to allow their hair to withstand hurricane force winds.
• During long road trips suggest a family sing along. Insist that all of the songs be ones that are extremely popular with three-year olds.
• Beat your child to the punch by getting a navel piercing or a tattoo before they do. Show your new body art to all of your children's friends.
• Force your children to do violin, piano, or vocal solos whenever grandparents, neighbors, or casual acquaintances wander into the house. Clap loudly at the end.
• Barge into Supercuts while your child is getting their hair cut. Demand to speak to the stylist. Confirm that the haircut will be within the firmly established parameters for proper 1950's grooming habits (even though it happens to be several decades later). It has taken many years of counseling for me to recover from that embarrassment. I can't wait to do it to my own kids.

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Where To From Here?

Submit your own funny parenting tips or funny quotes
Do you have a funny quote about children? What about a memorable funny moment with your own kids? Any funny tips or quotes about kids or parenting to keep us laughing! Read or comment on other contributions.

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