Funny Parenting Tips

Please note, I am not endorsing any of these funny parenting tips as good advice - particularly the recommendation to spank your child every day!

Funny Parenting Tips and Parenting Humor:
by Various Authors

• If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, "keep away from children."
  Susan Savannah
• The beauty of spacing children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones - which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.
  Sydney J. Harris
• I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school.
  (sorry I don't know who said this!)
• Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.
  Joey Adams (Please don't take his funny parenting tip seriously!)
• The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing
  Kin Hubbard
• Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.
  Marilyn Penland.
  (My children still give me a hard time about how my eyebrows think they are helping me to sing!)
• Your children tell you casually years later what it would have killed you with worry to know at the time.
  Mignon McLaughlin
• The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
  Edward, Duke of Windsor
• Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.
  Arnold H. Glasow
• The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
  Quentin Crisp
• A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.
  Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.
  Franklin P. Jones
• Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.
  Karen Savage and Patricia Adams
• Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.
  Ogden Nash
• A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
  Jerry Seinfeld
• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  Groucho Marx
• Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
  Fran Lebowitz
• I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away
  Nancy Mitford
• Don't forget that compared to a grownup person every baby is a genius.
  May Sarton
• Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience... and pimples.
  J.M. Barrie

Bill Cosby's Funny Parenting Quotes

• No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids.
• Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
• The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
• Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
• Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Erma Bombeck's Funny Parenting Tips

She passed on in 1996 but leaves a legacy of humour, particularly about being a housewife that is second to none. Here's a tiny selection of some of her funniest parenting tips or witty words of wisdom about the futility of housework!

• Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity.
• I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
• Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
• No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
• One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
• My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
• When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
• In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.

Funny Parenting Tips:
Phyllis Diller Quotes

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
• Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up
• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
  (My sentiments exactly!)

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I've put together a selection of that I find inspiring.

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Ask Annie your parenting questions. Your question and my answer become a page here to inspire other parents.