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How can I encourage my daughter to work on the issues I think she should?

by Sue
(Canada)

Moved from the introduction thread, question by Sue in Canada, wanting to know how to encourage her daughter to work on treating people with respect.

Annie's answer in the comments.

Comments for How can I encourage my daughter to work on the issues I think she should?

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Better To Build Success First
by: Annie Desantis

Hi Sue,

Great question, and very common! Parents have a lot of investment in getting their child to work on the things we think they need to deal with. Or we have an investment in the outcome.

It is actually better to have them get familiar with the program and learn the tools with something they are really motivated to master. Then they have those tools to apply to other issues.

Often issues parents want them to deal with, ease off once a child has an experience of success. There is a huge flow on effect of using the program, kids know they can apply it to other issues. Sometimes they will realize there is something that is causing a problem and you might get lucky!

But really when you think about it, you might be the one with the problem. Your daughter may get to the point of realizing she can get a different response from family members if she behaves differently, but if she is not seeing it as a problem in the first place she will be resistant to having that as a goal.

It is more important long term for them to master the tools, if you put pressure on her to focus on respect, she may well just get resistant and not want to use the program at all.

Just introduce the program and talk about how it works and ask her if she can think of something she would like to focus on improving or achieving for herself. I think you mentioned that it would be a good thing to focus on SS4K together, and I suspect you may find when you are putting a lot of positive energy in supporting her to achieve her goal, you will be changing the way she relates to you anyway.

Good luck!
Annie D

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