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Please Help With Ideas To Help My 6 yr old Son Interact More Positively At School

by Cindy
(Jacksonville, FL. USA)

I just ordered Super Skills 4 Kids. My son is an only child who now has 3 Step-Siblings as of April this year.

He is struggling to make friends at school and is alienating other kids by being bossy and a know-it-all at times. His teacher says he doesn't listen a lot and is argumentative.

He is a very bright child and learns easily. I am having trouble getting him to realize that he has a part in creating this reality. He has been upset and says no one likes him and that he is not doing anything wrong.

I am eager to get started with Super Skills and appreciate any feedback or ideas!

Thank you!

Comments for Please Help With Ideas To Help My 6 yr old Son Interact More Positively At School

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Reply re Helping 6 yr Old - Part One
by: Annie Desantis

Hi Cindy,
It sounds like your son has had a lot to adjust to and I would say he is playing out that stress at school.

Working with him using Super Skills will be a good focus for the two of you to have some positive time together, which in itself will be important.

It sounds like he is feeling pretty defensive at present, and being told he is creating is own reality will go down like a lead balloon! When kids are prickly and argumentative, he will be resistant to be told he is the one who needs to change. So the trick is to engage his sense of play, and come at it all from a place of let's experiment.

But first of all, you need to be the vision holder for him. I know you are concerned and the teacher has also added a fair bit of energy around him being a child the other kids don't want to be with. So instead of focusing the behavior he is doing that is creating the situation, create a vision of him playing happily, laughing and being relaxed around his classmates. Most likely whenever you think of him you are seeing him the way the teacher describes him. So you shifting that for yourself will have a big impact.

Also drop the idea of trying to get him to realize he has created it - he has told you he is not doing anything wrong, so by you trying to "get" him to change he is feeling blamed and that just adds more energy to being a victim.

Instead you want to focus on building his strengths and self esteem. A know-it-all kid that is argumentative, is usually coming from a place of uncertainty - maybe from all the changes at home. So at school he is trying to get some control and power, and in the process is alienating himself. He probably doesn't feel like he has much power or control over the changes at home.

Super Skills 4 Kids will put HIM in the drivers seat and this will go a long way to dealing with what is under the behavior at school. He may not need to work on the school issue at all!

As parents we want to fix up our kids and when there is an obvious problem that is what we want to tackle. From the little bit you have said about your son, my thinking is his issues at school will become far less of a problem simply by using the SS4K to focus on him building a positive self image. It will also be a way for him to have special one on one time with you.

Definitely do not get into making it a chore or struggle, keep it fun and make it light-hearted. If you both do some of the processes together then it will take the emphasis off him doing anything wrong or HAVING to change. And any of the tools are just as relevant for adults!

Part Two Follows . . . .

Reply re: Helping 6 yr old - Part Two
by: Annie Desantis

If he doesn't come up with a skill or issue he wants to change (and I suspect at his age, and with him feeling defensive - he won't come up with anything) - then get creative about playing with some of the processes - like big sheets of paper, lots of colored felt pens, lots of collage activities and work on setting in place some of the tools and resources, instead of forcing him to work through the brainstorming.

I have set up Super Skills 4 Kids in a step by step process, but that doesn't mean that is how it needs to be used. Some kids know immediately what they want to focus on, and others find it hard to get an actual goal.

It almost doesn't matter, in that if you keep working with building the internal tools, then they have those resources in place and will sometimes come back to getting a more specific goal. For other kids, they unconsciously start applying the tools in situations they previously had difficulty with and start to see a different result, without specifically working on that issue.

In your son's case I would particularly recommend, you work really hard at keeping neutral - very hard for a parent! But during the SS4K sessions, make a conscious effort to help him to focus on his strengths and build internal resources such as a super hero guide (or friend) and try not to make suggestions for how he could behave differently at school.

You can also help him to build an image of how he would prefer school to be, make a big collage of lots of kids happily playing and put his photo in the middle. I think he (and probably you) needs to build belief and internal resources first before he will see he has the power to change the situation. At present he just feels defensive and blamed which is compounding his sense of being powerless or not liked.

Don't worry about trying to convince him to change, simply acknowledge his reality about the kids at school, and then suggest something like - let's build a poster of you with lots friends that do like you, and are fun to be with. How many would you have? What are you all doing together? Use magazines and colors and words and help him to create a vision of kids liking him, and wanting to play with him.

Part Three Follows . . . .

Reply Re: Helping 6 Year Old - Part Three
by: Annie Desantis

Maybe help him to explore what a best friend would be like - "let's pretend you have a best friend, what would he/she be like? What kind of games would you play together? what does he look like, is he smiling? How do you know he is a good friend? Does he listen to you? Does he share secrets or show you his special treasures? Do you have a hideout somewhere that only special friends know about? What does he wear? Does he have brothers and sisters?

Help him to flesh out what a good friend would be like and at the same time it is subconsciously putting in place how HE could be to be a good friend (but don't tell him that!). It may also be he brings out some characteristics in the best friend that he needs to help him adjust to the changes in his life. At this stage his best friend may be imaginary, but he is both building his own resources, and attracting a best friend to him. You can even have him come up with a name for his best friend.

Just be creative about how you use SS4K - there are no rules about using it, the idea is to empower your child, and in the process it is likely the changes you would like to see will happen anyway!

Good luck with it all Cindy,

Keep in touch and let us know how you are going with it,

Annie D :)

Thank you
by: Cindy

Dear Annie,

All I can say is WOW! Thank you so much for taking the time to send your wisdom about how to help me with my son. I have tears in my eyes that you would take such care to help a complete stranger. Your comments very much hit home with me. The situation has been pulling at my heartstrings and I have allowed it to become a focus of what he is doing wrong and not what is right (and there is a lot right). I am very much a believer in the law of attraction but could not see how to help him create his vision. I feel like the weight of the world has just been taken off my shoulders and can't wait to "play" with him and the skills.

Thank you so very much Annie. You have been such a blessing to me.

Cindy

My Pleasure :)
by: Annie Desantis

I'm very happy to give you some ideas,

Have fun with it all,

Annie D :)

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