Teen Problems: Communicating with Teens

Finding teenage behavior challenging?

• How can I get better results with teen problems?
• Disciplining teenagers effectively
• Communicating with teens

Teen Problems are often a result of power struggles. Teenagers are pulling away and wanting to assert their independence, and parents often find communicating with teens difficult or are confused about what is best with disciplining teenagers.

Teenage problems, or challenges as I prefer to call them, are one of the biggest learning curves for parents. Encouraging your teen to become independent and be responsible for their behavior and letting go of your control, can be a challenge for many parents. Many parents have to re-think their parenting style when their kids get to teenage years, which is a great thing, the more you can question your beliefs and find more effective ways of communicating with teens, the better. Your teen will provide many opportunities for you to learn new skills, it is not just about them learning to make their way in the world!

Because we want to protect our teens, we sometimes think that rules and curfews will keep them safe. But more often than not, you create teen problems by all the restrictions. What do you really want? Do you want a teenager that will grow up and be confident and trust in his own ability to handle situations? Do you want a teenager who is able to speak up for what she thinks is right? Do you trust that you have set the tone of your family values?

Your teenager's behavior will show you the level of trust and respect in your family by the way they act. Sure they will make mistakes but more importantly, how do they deal with those mistakes? Are they fearful of consequences or are they already taking responsibility to make amends? Is is ok for them to make mistakes or do you come down on them heavily?

More than ever, showing your teenager how you deal with problems and how you work your way through things is so important. How can you tell a teenager they are not to drink if they see Dad drunk in the weekends or if they see Parents driving after having a few drinks? We have to be congruent with our teenagers (and any at any age). You can't say one thing and behave differently.

Learning to negotiate with your teenager is a key to communicating with teenagers, and avoiding teen problems. It shows you respect their ideas and believe your teenager can solve problems. When it comes to disciplining teenages, stepping back and letting them participate in setting the ground rules is far more effective than being the policeman. Maybe you could force an eight year old to be home on time, but how do you make a hulking great 15 year old?

Teen problems often come from our teenagers having no ownership in the decisions about their life. When parents make all the rules, what can they do but rebel? Sure they will always test limits, but having them participate in decisions about time frames, use of a car, participation in the family etc means they have some power and say over their lives. Our teenagers are faced with huge pressures from society and school. They are being pushed into making major career decisions, getting good grades, going to college - and yet research shows most people have a major career change every 5 years.

I believe there is far too much emphasis in teenage years on grades and future careers. This is a major developmental time physically and socially and having the space to explore relationships, start the transition from being a child to an adult, find out what their passions are, what are they curious about? Learning to trust in themselves and their own inner wisdom instead of looking to you (or school).

The more you focus on consultation, negotiation, affirm them being able to make good decisions, let them make mistakes with out judgement

Tips To Deal With Teen Problems:

• Consultation: Ask what they want.
• Negotiate: Find a win/win solution
• Communicating with teens: Keep the lines open
• Listen: More than you talk, find out what is important to them, show you respect their ideas.
• Disciplining teenagers: Have them set their own ground rules
• Teenage Problems: Show you trust them to make good decisions, help them weigh the pros and cons
• Appreciation: Let them know what you appreciate about them.
• Be congruent: Model the behavior you want.
• Let go expectations: Your teenager has to make his own way in the world, let them!
• Suspend judgement: Let them make mistakes, Let them be different to you. Don't make your love conditional on good teenage behavior
• Responsibility: Give them ownership of a household task such as shopping or cooking meals,
• Love them: Show them, tell them, spend time with them (even listening to their music!)

Your teen problems will not be nearly such an issue if you focus on love, respect and appreciation. Empower you teen to be all they can be and trust that you have done the ground work. Throughout the site you'll find tips to inspire or support you in disciplining children with love and respect, and empowering your children to develop their internal guidance and self discipline.

---

More Resources For Teen Problems

Ask Annie.
Ask Annie is our Online Parent Coaching. Ask questions, or read or comment on what other parents are asking.

Super Skills 4 Kids
I work from the premise that kids need to learn new skills in order to behave differently. For many years I have run Super Skills 4 Kids as an extensive course teaching kids of all ages (and parents) to reach their goals - be it a skill goal, or behavioral goal.

I am very excited to have finally re-developed this course into a home-study course that is accessable to lots more families.

Super Skills 4 kids home-study course is designed with a wide range of age groups in mind, and can easily be modified for teens. Some of the case studies within the course feature teenagers.

Other Articles On Teenage Behavior

Parent's Questions about Teen Problems
This Audio answers questions from readers about communicating with teenagers. You can listen to it here.

Disciplining children. Ideas and tips for creatively handling discipline issues, many of which apply to teen problems.

Click here for Information and Tips about Adolescent Psychology.
What's happening in their head? How are they feeling, what's important for Teenagers?

Adolescence: Physical Development.
Information about Physical Development and Sexuality in Teenagers and Tips to inspire you.

---