Two Year Old Pushing

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Two Year Old Pushing

by Mike

My 2 year old daughter has been pushing other children at her daycare facility. She is given timeouts for her actions, but will continue the behavior almost immediately after her timeout. How can this behavior be curtailed effectively. I appreciate your help.

Thank you.

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Two Year Old Pushing

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Pushing Two Year Old: Part One
by: Annie Desantis: Parent Coach

Hi Mike,

Great question, and you will be relieved to know a very common one! Your daughter is doing exactly what is normal for her age group, AND it means she has a strong personality that is determined not to be overlooked. Hard for you, but from my perspective FANTASTIC!

It is really difficult for a parent when their child misbehaves at daycare. And unfortunately you are not on the spot, so can't deal with it. Child care facilities simply don't have the ratio of adults to children to be able to work one on one with children for very long, and of course their duty of care means they have to protect the other children. The only way they can really manage the situation is to put her in time out.

As a parent coach I am not a big fan of time out. I would much rather look at why a child is behaving in a certain way and address the underlying cause. Of course you have to stop the hurtful actions, but time out does little to build better ways of relating. A two year simply does not have the rational capabilities to learn positive actions from time out. Yes, she knows she has done something wrong, and is aware of lots of disapproval, but it just makes her feel bad.

And I would already suspect she is mad and frustrated and feels bad to start off with. We talk about the terrible twos, and I prefer to talk about the terrific twos - but it can be a time of great frustration. Their language is not developed enough to talk about how they feel or what has happened, they are very much in the moment of just reacting from how they feel without being able to think through the consequences of their behavior.

Two year old's have very little control over their life - everyone bosses them around, and when children start to feel powerless they sometimes retaliate by pushing back - and another child is a much easier target to push against. I would say she is showing you her frustration and anger. Two year old's are selfish, they are just at the stage of starting to learn about sharing and shared play. This can take quite some time to master, and punishments do little to teach better ways. It is not surprising she is simply going back and pushing the other children again - think about it, you are angry and can't explain, you react, get taken away and told you are bad, so you sit there seething and feeling more cross. Wouldn't it be easier to march back out and push the child that appears to have caused you the punishment? Why would you feel warm and fuzzy and keen to play?

Read on for Part Two of Two Year Old Pushing ....

Pushing Two Year Old: Part Two
by: Annie Desantis: Parent Coach

Pushing Two Year Old Continued ......

I would think carefully about what is happening in her world:

* Is daycare a fairly new routine for her? Is she angry at being left at daycare? Have her hours increased? Is there a new teacher? Has she moved up to a different group and lost a secure relationship with another teacher?

* Has a new sibling appeared in the family? We often chose a two year gap to have another baby, but that is the worst time developmentally for a young child to accept a brother or sister. Think about it, how would you like it if your wife said, honey, I love you so much I thought I'd get another husband. Sounds silly but that is what we are expecting a two year old to be happy with!

* Has anything changed at home, moved house, new bedroom, financial pressures, grandparent ill or other family stresses?

* What are the routines like in her day? A two year old's life may be filled with don't touch, hurry up, no you can't wear that, eat now, no cookies ....... is it any wonder one of the early words they learn is NO?

* What happens when she is picked up from daycare? The teacher reports on the bad behavior, Mom or Dad is then disapproving and cross (and probably embarrassed at having a less than perfect child!). After several such reports you are probably already focusing on that when you drop her off and pick her up. So you are actually contributing to the situation but fueling it.

Read on for Part Three of Two Year Old Pushing ...

Pushing Two Year Old, Part Three
by: Annie Desantis: Parent Coach

What can you do?

* You can't deal with the pushing unless you see it. Dealing with it later is actually making it worse. She already feels bad, and telling her you are cross makes it worse. Don't reinforce it by re-hashing it at home. All she will be learning is how to get negative attention. And sadly, for a child, negative attention is better than nothing.

* Set up situations at home where she is learning to interact with other children. If she does it at home, THEN you can deal with it on the spot. Don't make a big deal out of it, but stop her hurting the other child. Don't be angry, just keep calm. It takes a while to learn social skills and we don't learn to self monitor if we are complying through fear.

* Try to help her to verbalize what she is doing; "Are you cross? Are you mad about something?" "Maybe we need to sit over here together for a few minutes while you calm down." Maybe she has been expected to share a toy when she simply wasn't ready to - why should she? Would you tell your neighbors they can come and help themselves to your DVDs? We expect things of kids that often aren't logical.

If she is having trouble sharing you can ask, "which toy can Michael play with?" or "what game could we all play together?" Kids learn so much faster if it a game.

Help her see a win win in the situation, instead of just complying because you have the power to force her. Kids get sneaky if they are forced to comply. Make up sharing, and taking turn games, that are quick and fun, but don't try to force it. She will learn by watching you too - play games as a family, Simon Said is a good one. take turns and verbalize "i'ts Mommy's turn now."

Show her how to be gentle - you can play games with toys and pretend to be a bit rough. Teddy cries Ow, he hurt me! Then show her how to be gentle, "sorry Teddy, I'll try to be more gentle."

* Give her Lots and Lots of good quality 1 on 1 attention. She may get activities at daycare, kids to interact with, and hopefully loving adults, but no daycare can take the place of One to One parent interaction. Lots of games, stories, silly time. Build positive experiences with her.

* Make sure she is getting enough sleep. Children often have to be woken early to get them out the door in time for child-care simply exhausted. A grumpy, tired or hungry child is far less able to act well socially. What are the routines at daycare? Many have set times for eating, and sleeping. A child who has been woken, rushed out the door, didn't eat much breakfast, and then has to wait until 10-30 before a snack may simply be hungry. It is very difficult at a daycare to work around the needs of every tiny body. Unfortunately children are not taught to listen to their bodies and eat and sleep when they need.

Don't feel bad as a parent because you happen to have the child that pushes, and definitely don't make her feel bad. She is simply exploring normal learning curves for her age.

Have fun,
Annie D

Thank You!
by: Anonymous

Annie D,
Thank you for your reply! I am having this issue with my son in daycare and your response made me feel so much better!

Thank you so much
by: Anonymous

I have a 2 and a half year old who is loving and caring, intelligent and polite yet in indoor play areas can become pushy and impatient with other children, particularly younger ones.

Today the father of a child my son pushed was extremely aggressive and screamed at my son that he was 'a little s***' and was equally abusive and foul to me.

Despite being in a state of shock I managed to tell this man that his actions were despicable and had the support of all onlookers. I've spent the rest of the day in and out of tears feeling like the worst mother in the world but your reply above has helped me get things into perspective.

My child will have stopped pushing others just as this mans poor daughter uses her first swear words.

Whew! Who needs time out?
by: Annie Desantis

Dad does!
Wow, this Dad has over-reacted big time. Of course we hate seeing our kids get hurt (feelings or physically pushed) by another child, but his reaction was totally inappropriate, and did nothing to help any of the children learn from the situation. In fact he has contributed so much negative energy to the whole situation in lots of ways.

Very sad that his child will simply learn to react aggressively back, and of course learning to swear and be abusive to solve problems. I only hope the poor child does not get punished for swearing!

It is so hard as a Mom - or Dad not to feel bad when your child has done something hurtful - but you are NOT a bad Mom. Quite the contrary, you are a wonderful Mom.

Your son is likely a child that feels a bit crowded physically with indoor activities when kids are crowding around, and when he starts to feel a bit invaded, and his frustration levels rise, pushing others away gives him some breathing space. He will learn to find his own physical space in better ways in time - or he will learn to tolerate more bodies up close!

So dry your tears, and go and cuddle that lovely little boy of yours!

Annie D

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